when i was a little kid, around 5 years old, another girl was speaking to me in the school playground. out of nowhere, she kissed me on the cheek. i didnt think much of it at the time, i was just kind of confused. around 6 or so years later, i came out to my parents as a lesbian (no, the girl kissing me did not "turn me into a lesbian", dont misunderstand).
i had crushes on girls as a child. again, when i was 5, i knew a girl in my class who i never really spoke to all that much, but i had a major crush on her. i didnt realise it was a crush, since i was a child and had no concept of romance, but i just felt something in my soul. the students at my primary school were rather homophobic, as a lot of primary school students were/are (unfortunately). i remember them chasing around a girl chanting that she was gay while she ran away and cried. the teacher was having none of this, screaming at the students for doing this. i didnt know what gay meant. i knew it was about love, but i didnt know it was about specifically same gender/sex attraction. this changed as i got older.
when i was 8, me and my dad went to central london. as luck would have it, this also happened to be the day the pride parade was on. my dad didnt know, and i didnt even know there was such a thing, but i loved it. i stayed for the entire remainder of the parade, and i got a lot of stickers. there is a picture of me at that parade covered in pride stickers, but im not comfortable with sharing my childhood photos with the entire world yet.
after the march, i thought i was bi. this was at an age where i didnt understand romance, and because i loved everyone, i thought that it must be because i was bi. this was wrong, of course. i never crushed on boys, i was never interested in boys, i even rejected boys that wanted to date me or dance with me. i was a lesbian. i just didnt realise it yet.
this changed when i was around 10. my memory of exactly how i realised is fuzzy. i think i saw videos of some lesbians talking about their lives, and it made me truly think about my own. i liked girls, and i was proud of it. later that week, i told my parents. my parents are lovely people and they accepted me for who i am, giving me support and telling me how im great just the way i am.
in year 5 (uk equivalent to 4th grade in the united states), my teacher noticed that multiple students were using gay as an insult. she gave us a very long talk about identity, sexuality, and how its ok to be queer, gender nonconforming, all of that. she was a sweetheart. i miss her.
now, i am an adult. i have a girlfriend, who is the light of my life. she lives in the suburbs of the us state of georgia, which is a very harsh environment for queer people, especially queer children. the people surrounding her are homophobic and transphobic. she knows how to stand her ground, and someday she will be able to move away from the pain and torment that her family and peers have caused her, but the fact that she went through so much abuse and self loathing breaks my heart so much.
us gay and queer kids have it very rough, sadly. dont get me wrong, things were better than they were 50 years ago, but all of us have a long road ahead of us, and im confident queer kids will someday be able to live the lives they wish to lead. it may seem daunting at this moment, but i have hope.
if youre a queer kid reading this, i am rooting for you.
- carson
(p.s. below is a drawing of my rat persona holding a pride flag. shes rooting for lgbtq rights every step of the way!)
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